The slow dance

The moves your mind do when it's trying to protect itself; ignoring emails, not doing jobs that need to be done, withdrawing from plans. Not every day, not every thing. It just starts with the occasional thing. Today I should have cleaned my shower; didn't. Should have cleaned he oven; didn't. I did clean the…

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I feel invalid

So I don't have emotions. Not the positive ones anyway. My counsellor said that I feel what I know to be happiness, excitement, pride, love... but then asked me how long these things last before they're interrupted. Yeaaah.... Anyway. Here we go. More counselling to teach me how to have emotions and then... well, see…

Cloud, cloud, go away

I let myself down yesterday. I woke up. Got dressed. Had a yoghurt. Then I got back into bed and pretended the world didn't exist. I took, what I believe is called, a 'mental health day'. I tried to call placement, they didn't answer so I just left it because... well, I don't know but…

This torturous existence

I started writing a post on Thursday. It started off strong, good, positive. Within 20 minutes those feelings of pride and healing were gone because of the actions of one person. But hey. They were in the wrong, it's been reported (it was on placement), and it shouldn't mar my life. ... if only the…

Hard truths

I don't want to admit this. I really, REALLY don't want to admit this. But what is this blog for; the hard stuff. Here goes. Yesterday my best friend of 8 years was told she achieved a first in her degree. I. Am. SO. Proud of her. Seriously, she's worked so hard and been so…

Recording of Dissociation

Friday was pants. It started off with thinking I would be late for lectures, but they started half an hour later than I thought. I was already very depressed before this realisation. I was passively suicidal. It wasn't a good start. Lectures made it so much worse. I went into the room and realised what…

If only someone could see

If I could stop being on such a rollercoaster, that would be great. I don't know how many times I've written/said/thought this. It's as true every time. These are the hardest times for me; I'm superficially happy then superficially down or vice Verza, but each one feels real. I can remember what they feel like…

Let’s talk about…

... impulsive thoughts. The worst kind of thoughts. The ones that attacked my head on Saturday. Yes, they felt awful. Yes, they were horrific. But they were impulsive and fleeting. Half an hour and they were pretty much gone. I say gone, they were chased out by me having an asthma attack, nearly falling unconscious,…

Who is there

Nobody answers. I've called the helplines, nobody is free. Nobody answers, like so many times before. Nobody is answering, nobody is helping, NOBODY IS THERE I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS. I can't be on my own. Three people just walked past somebody crying next to a river, what is humanity. * What has happened. I…

I feel fake

Today hasn't been a very good day. I've been struggling a bit physically recently, with breathing and blood pressure/arrhythmia (less often that last one but when it hits IT HITS). Anyway, doctor's today to test my lung capacity because I was a bit concerned that it was getting worse, so a 45 minute appointment was…